Potty Mouth

I'm one of those horrible people who doesn't really mind that his child -- a two year old -- has already begun to pepper her conversation with obscenities. Seriously. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I try to moderate my foul vocabulary as much as possible, but I'm a potty mouth and don't have any great ambition to change that. A few months back, while my wife was out of town, I loaded A. into her backpack and took her out for a short neighborhood walk with our two large Newfoundands. To my dismay, one of them launched herself into our neighbor's front year and began sniffing around for a place to drop a load. Our 'hood is filled with wooded and overgrown areas, places that a dog could take care of her business without requiring a post-poop pick up from an encumbered dad. But no, Greta decided to open the hatch on someone's lawn. I grumbled out loud -- without swearing -- and barked at the dog to get back onto the street. Unexpectedly, my daughter chimed in behind me.

"F**king Greta," she muttered.

When I tell that story to most people, they usually laugh or shake their heads in disbelief. But you know what? She was right. In those two words, she perfectly assessed the nuisance my dog had created for everyone. More importantly, to my ear, she used the word in a way that was grammatically correct. And she didn't repeat herself over and over again, as she sometimes does when she's discovered a new phrase or has said something particularly funny.

A few weeks later, she and I were running some errands when I drove right past one of the stores we were supposed to hit before coming home. Again, I groaned in disappointment and frustration. A. -- once more, discovering the emotional pitch of the situation -- chimed in.

"Ohhhhh, crap."

I couldn't have -- and didn't -- put it better myself.

Drawing from these kinds of verbal encounters with my daughter, I've come up with three basic guidelines that I'm going to use to evaluate the blueness of her language. If she sticks by them, she'll hear no complaints (but also, importantly, no outward praise) from her father.

(1) The foul language must be appropriate to the situation.
(2) The foul language must be grammatically correct.
(3) The foul language must be infrequent.

I realize this won't earn me any nominations for father of the year, but really, who gives a f**k?

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